silence, routine, boredom, and painting

13 Jul, 2025

silence, my friend.

I've been trying to experience the beauty of silence. I live in Dhaka, however, so there really is no silence. There is always some noise, something always in the background. A barking dog, someone on the phone, construction work, fast-driving cars with loud noises. And I mean it; there is always some form of noise. At dawn there is noise, in the night there is noise, at any time of the day there will be noise. This is the reality of living in a chaotic city. There will always be noise.

By noise, I mean really annoying sounds. My God, loud people on the phone irk me so much; these pedestrians have no manners. There is no form of external peace in Dhaka, so I'm opting for internal peace. To have internal peace, I'm also quiting music, because honestly I don't learn anything from it. I still listen to ambient/lo-fi music when I'm studying, but I don't listen to music any other times. But this is hard. I've been listening to music nearly everyday for four years, and for all that time I spent on music here is what I got anything useful out of it: nothing.

I'm trying to live in silence, and feel the peace. Internal silence—something I just made up for the time being—is not the absence of noise but the absence of any reaction to noise. Instead of having music or audio constantly pumped into my earbuds, I'm creating moments where I have the earbuds on but no audio playing. It was strangely refreshing, even though there was heavy construction work over the street. I tried ignoring it, but it's hard and I've just begun on my path to internal silence. Perhaps the attainment of internal silence will make living in Dhaka a bit more livable for the time being.

I must always stick to my routine (╬▔皿▔)╯

I spent a night watching a movie with my mother some time ago. I crossed my bedtime, and when I finally went to sleep I was not happy. It took me like two hours to fall asleep, and I couldn't wake up at my usual 5:30 AM. I woke up at 8 AM! How sad is that? I revere my routine, and having my routine messed up just ruins me.

That night I thought about movies, about how passive the entire cinema industry is. Movies are like fast-food while more active entertainment like books are a slow and fancy diner. I don't know much about food, so my food allegories aren't up to the standard. Sorry.

When I say the entire cinema industry is like fast-food, I mean the entire thing. From the earliest films to the films released just this year in any language and in any region, in any theme or topic. I don't like the whole lot of 'em. It's hard, however, to quit something when I see everyone around me do. It's hard!

Years of pointless daydreaming has made my mind restless and eager for literally anything. A movie becomes a mental project as I spend days in my mind perfecting each line, each character, and even including a character insert sometimes. This, and I mean it, has ruined my childhood, and it hasn't been that long since I've been trying to get rid of my maladaptive daydreaming¹. It's difficult, however, to rewire my brain and remove it's primary entertainment source.

Life in Dhaka is very boring, but I'm sure life elsewhere is boring elsewhere although not noisy and cramped like Dhaka. This has made my mind seek daydreaming as a form of entertainment. At first, it was just some simple harmless daydreaming about anime and my ideal self, but it didn't take long for it to become a debilitating addiction. An addiction of the mind. A terrible thing, dear reader.

I have spent so much of my life chasing superfluous fantasies. I have missed so much of the beauty of youth and so many opportunities. So much happiness and relationships and goals have slipped away from my hands, because of this mind addiction.

It takes time to get rid of an addiction, be it either substance-abused or behavioral like mine. It's never a quick process. I still have withdrawals to excessively daydream, but I'm getting better. I'm learning to be more present in my environment, to spend more time on the hobbies that give me joy, and actually be mentally active when I'm talking to friends and family.

boredom, ay ...(￣０￣)ノ

Not daydreaming (and quitting mainstream entertainment) has also made me realize a cruel truth: life is very boring. What I need to do, I tell myself, is to live with the boredom. To be present and not fly away to stupid fantasies. To romanticize the boredom, because there's no escaping it. It's like death. One can only accept this fact, otherwise they risk fleeing from the truth.

I've been reading a book about boredom called Out of My Skull: The Psychology of Boredom by James Danckert and John D. Eastwood, and ironically it's really freakin' boring. I can't believe a non-fiction book about boredom is boring. I usually love non-fiction, but I can say I don't feel the same about this one. It's drier than my math textbooks, and that's really saying something. My God.

Silence can be healing sometimes, but it can also be eerily uncomfortable. The sudden ritualization of silence for me feels quite awkward. Trying to develop a form of internal silence feels strange, even when there is no such thing as external silence here. It's like training my restless mind to be peaceful while, for all its years, it has only known restlessness. It's a difficult thing to achieve, but I'm sick of my mind being my own prison from reality. My mind should be a palace, or a well-kept home. That's also why I have stopped feeding my mind such low-quality entertainment. If I eat trash, I will produce trash in my own writings.

so my two creative hobbies (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.).

I've also started a new major hobby: acrylic painting. I made my first painting—more like just a A4 paper with paint spread over—a few days ago, and I must say I enjoy it. I'm hoping to get a tabletop box-easel, so all my art supplies are in one neat place. This means when I have to paint, I won't need to spend needless time trying to find everything. I'm a very lazy person, so if I sit down to paint and forget to bring my brushes ... yeah, I don't think I'm getting up. I'm lazy, ok?

Besides, just having a box for my art supplies satisfies my organizational soul. I like to keep my room neat and organized, so when I need something, I won't need to waste time trying to find it. I keep my desk as empty as possible, because a clean desk means a clean mind. Of course I need the basic things on my desk, namely: my books, stationary, water bottle, a lamp, a table fan (it's very hot in Dhaka), and finally my laptop that sits right in the middle of my desk like some despot. How arrogant of it.

Painting is a new thing for me, unlike writing which I have been doing since the sixth grade. It was an on-and-off hobby and I literally remember not writing a single word in 2024. But everything caught up at the beginning of 2025, when I went back to writing. What changed my writing from something to pass the time to a hobby was my passion; before I used to write for others (for views and all that crap), but now I write for myself (yes, I'm selfish, muhahaha!). Writing everyday really sharpens my mind and besides it's really fun. I can't believe more people don't write everyday. I only ask: why? Why, dear reader, why?

Before, I used to think I was this superb writer who had this Twain-like talent. Like the whole world was waiting for a writer like me. My God, looking back at it I had a lot of ego in my writing ability. Even getting average/moderate grades in English class didn't change it. I just thought I was different. Ha! What an idiot!

Now, I seriously don't care. I just write for fun, like how I paint for fun, although I am planning to self-publish in the future through D2D/some other platform. Hey, I need money to go to university, right, and I hate being so financially dependent on my father. I don't want a job because yeah that's not for me, and I tried to get into freelancing and yeah that also wasn't for me. And I'm not going waste hundreds of hours on finding an agent and publisher. Nope.

So, now I'm just a stupid writer with his words and a made-up penname.

Thnx for reading (●'◡'●).