diary notes #8
september 4th
My SAT results are supposed to come out tomorrow. I couldn't give a damn. I'm serious. I really think I've killed any anxiety over whatever exams I have or have done in the past. I just don't care anymore about the grade aspect of academics, but I do care much about the learning aspect of academics. It's sad to see my field of interest being neglected nowadays. People only study for exams now, not because of their curiosity.
I had a fun time studying for the SAT, but I didn't like doing the timed Practice Tests; they took an energy drain on whichever day I did one on. I learnt a few interesting things about English grammar which I took for granted, and introduced a new habit of mine of learning new words intermittently. Ah, see what I did there? Intermittently is what I call one of those unique words I learned along the way.
I'm hoping to take my IELTS after finishing A2, God-willing (for those who don't know what A2 is: it's the second year of your A-levels). I'm honestly interested in learning new crap. Studying for IELTS feels like it's going to be more fun than studying for school. I just find self-studying to be much nicer. No needing to go to classes where I have to decipher whatever shit the teacher is saying and still barely understand anything. No more stupid rules or gossip crap. Just me, the learning, and a laptop.
Anyways, I think I'm being too nerdy for the time being. If you're interested in self-studying, download Anki while you're still alive. It's freakin beautiful.
september 5th
There is a beauty or maybe an art to almost anything. I'd been feeling that way when I was packing clothes into one of the suitcases we'd taken out. I have had always a curious view on suitcases; I mean the ones you take to the airport. Our ones are red and black and all leathery and old, so when I don't see someone's own suitcase like that, it strikes me as something else.
The ones we use are also very big. They reach up to three quarters of my height. When full, it can be very hard to pull these suitcases as you walk through the airport. Once when we were in Medina and I was suffering from diarrhea, I had to pull one up an uphill road full of road-blocker crap because it was Friday so most roads were closed for the prayer service. This was before I began my habit of working out every evening, so not only was I sick but I was tired, dehydrated, and not in a good mood.
I didn't like the fact when I went to Medina, I barely knew a word of what was being spoken. Everyone where we stayed (I'm from a southeast-asian family) spoke in different tongues. We went to a car ride with a guide who spoke only freakin Urdu! Do you think I can understand Urdu? Of course not. I only knew English and only a little bit of Bengali because it's my mother tongue. I even heard French when I was in a buffet and that made me feel even worse as I'd been trying to learn French then for a few months and was barely fluent.
I felt isolated. Do you know how terrible it feels to have a sort of language barrier between your own mother or father? It feels terrible. And when we were in Medina, not only did I feel isolated from everyone else, but I felt distant to God as well. It was definitely the most difficult abroad trip I'd ever taken in my life.
september 6th
I got my SAT score when I was doing online math coaching, and I just have to say, I don't feel anything. Look, it's not a bad score but it's also not a great score either. It's just there. I'd wanted 1500, but I got fifty points less than that. Just shows that I'm a good student, not an excellent one.
I think there's a limiting factor to my grades. I see my classmates, especially the geniuses, who get so high grades; then I see my own grades, and just shrug it off. At the end of the day, grades are just a number only showing you how much you understand something. You can always make it up at some other time.
Whenever I get grades that are below my expectations, I remind myself: Newton did not excel much in school or university, but he did excel in research. Getting high grades is nice as well, but what's more important than the numbers is how you use it. If, let's say, a high-achieving student with a perfect SAT score and exceptional A-levels eventually goes on to have a boring corporate job, where they get oppressed by their boss, and live paycheck-by-paycheck, well they didn't really succeed now. I'd say they put their grades into misuse.
Grades are just a stepping stone to something far more significant than itself: money. And what's more important than even money itself (which goes to say a lot because society loves, loves money) is one's human character. How one lived their life, what beliefs they held, what deeds they did. Money really only exists to be spent so one can have a comfortable existence.
What matters now, as I see in school, might not a year or two from now. Time is the great desolator.