Ohium Merck Morsaphine

diary notes #6

august 25th

Well, I've been having issues with myself recently. Not just myself really. The entire world is what I found so confusing now. From my boring, waste-of-time school to my prison-like apartment, I can only stare at the world and it stares back at me.

I've been feeling much more pessimistic after watching the HBO mini-series Chernobyl . Like I watched some serious messed-up crap going on there. Here's a question: how was such a terrible dictatorship country, like the Soviet Union, even allowed to exist? The Chernobyl incident affected millions of its citizens and the Soviet state kept lying and lying about the extent of the damage and its seriousness. They wanted to portray to the world they were all powerful, but they weren't. The Soviet Union was made up of humans, just like us, and therefore they were just as stupid as us.

It was a disgrace of a country, really. And don't think America is this divine perfect country. Everyone in any country is, to an extent, a bit evil. Anyways, the show changed me. I usually don't watch TV series, but I wanted to watch this one. Two of my teachers had suggested me this, and after some thought, I decided to watch it. I wanted to learn something and I sure now did.

I binge-watched all the five episodes in one day. My favorite episode is 'Open Wide O Earth' because it has such a nice name and that was when the damage of Chernobyl was starting to be taken quite seriously by the State.

I'll never be the same person after watching it. Radiation is a freakin scary thing, but what's even scarier is human hubris. It's funny how stupid humans can be when they're too arrogant, welding too much powerful over the masses. The show has also taught me something else: always pursue the truth. If you're a scientist, you must pursue the truth. If you don't, you're not one. One doesn't need a fancy degree or cool-sounding name to be a scientist. One only needs a passion for what is true.

august 26th

Listening to a French audiobook as I'm writing this, I find it so fascinating to hear so many words I don't know. So many things to learn! And I am full of this burning curiosity, driving me wherever my soul leads me to. I love learning, but I freakin hate, detest, and despise school. Let me say why.

There's so much boring shit at school, crap I really couldn't care about learning. I feel like university is like this as well, forcing down formulae and concepts you'll never need down your throat. I want to learn epistemology, but they teach me Nuclear Magnetic Resonance at school. I love learning stories and reading them, yet no one isn't into books as much as I am in class. They're into video-games, and TV shows, and stuff I really couldn't care about.

School is also terribly inefficient with that horrible routine they give us, and the pathetic teachers that teach us. I need to learn nearly everything at home nowadays. I might as well be a private student, because school teaches me very little, but it'll cause too much disturbance to my parents. I've been at school for most of my life, and have always hated it. It's just something in the atmosphere. Sigh, what can I do?

I'm sure if I didn't have to go to school, I could have mastered the violin by now or done something that'll make me stand out in university applications. But I have done nothing. I am like a bleak student with no terrible but no outstanding grades. I feel like blending with the concrete. My friends don't understand me, I hate most of the teachers I've had by now, and I find everything so, so boring.

I love writing. I wish I could spend entire days at end just writing in a quite remote cabin with only the breeze and streaming rivers to make sounds in the background. Never construction projects. God, never construction projects. Yet, despite my yearning for a quieter and more meaningful life, I have a feeling I'll never reach it. Well, I might as well have hope, even if having it makes me seem delusional. It's the only thing keeping me going.

august 27th

It must've been so hot yesterday; I had to turn on the A.C. in timed intervals three times! I usually try to keep the A.C. on as less as possible during the day because I generally don't need it. A table-top fan is okay and works just fine, but this is Dhaka so when it gets hot, a fan cannot cover it.

Anyways, I've been trying to spend more time on my French. It's a very pretty language and I want to speak it! Besides, it's very similar to English, so if I do learn it, I improve my English as well, and that's great! There's also so many things in French. I literally am dying for the day I can read French novels.

Speaking of my French fun time, another language I tried learning before in the past was Japanese. I only tried to learn it because I was such an otaku back in the day. Like who the hell watches a straight five-hour run of anime? Me. Well, old me. I have a strict bedtime now, so I can't be doing that anymore.

I'd only tried learning Japanese so I could understand and watch/read more anime/manga, but after I quit, learning Japanese became irrelevant. I'd quit anime/manga for a few reasons, actually. They were:

I only watched anime/manga because I was influenced to. Now, I spend much more time with myself alone and read books! Books are great, but I don't count graphic novels/comics books, because they're just pictures in succession. Very little words.