diary notes #4
august 14th
I haven't had fun for a long time since today, I realized. With a couple of friends at school, we'd done some rebellious stuff we aren't allowed to do and I realized how fun it is to break the rules from time to time. The adrenaline was thrilling and I felt alive since quite some time.
In our school, there are boys' stairs and girls' stairs even though we're supposed to have co-ed for our A levels. There's always some gender-sex difference bullshit going on. Anyways, we were going to a classroom and the girls' stairs gave a much shorter journey than the boys' stairs. One of my friends went first to check the scene. There was some teacher or whatever and so we waited right before climbing down the stairs. When the teacher left, all four of us dashed down so we wouldn't be seen by any teacher from either the bottom floor or the top floor. And when there was risk, I felt the suspense kill me.
Ah, whenever I remember the word 'suspense', I remember a line from a presenter at a study-abroad-in-Japan event who said "―the suspense is killing me―", and the whole crowd laughed. Maybe the crowd was trying to act nice since she was a foreigner and we really don't get a lot of them here in such a residential area of Dhaka. I was actually thinking of skipping the study abroad seminar but when I saw foreigners there, I changed my mind. This had to be a high-leveled event. It sort of was and sort of wasn't. The only thing I learnt was (a) I don't need to know Japanese to study abroad in Japan, and (b) the MEXT scholarship sounds freakin nice.
I'd sort of wanted to bunk the last two classes at school but didn't. It was just too risky.
august 15th
I've been getting so old. Oh dear, is my age finally catching up with me? My birthday's at the end of the year (well, almost), so I'm usually younger than my peers, but when I look at juniors half my height, I feel so old. Like I used to be one of them. I used to be so short, and young, but maybe not beautiful. Now, I am old. My back hurts from time to time, and I have to worry about grown-up stuff like university applications and where to study abroad and what bachelors to have and what job I want to do.
I'm not much a planner. I like just going with the flow, but that doesn't mean I don't do my research. I do enough research to know a few things, but not create a plan to the last specific detail and point. It's like I'm what a lazy but somewhat organized person would be like.
As I get old, I am given more responsibilities, and more power over myself. I need to worry more, and take action. I must decide my own things. Even though my parents are caring and guide me, they can't do everything for me for the rest of my life. Eventually, I will need to be able to survive alone else I risk being a failure. At the end, one can only trust oneself. Other people can be incompetent or just plain old misguided.
I think more about things as well as I'm getting older. Why do somethings do something, or why so-and-so happens? Why life is like this, and why does death exist? Essentially, I'm getting more philosophical as my age wears upon me. Is this how Socrates felt like? I don't know.
Although the world is still the same as it has been before, I feel myself changing and my own perspective maturing into something else. So, in a sense the world is changing because I am part of the world and the lens I use to view it is changing shape. What a sad thing it is to get old. We are born, and we know we're going to die.
august 17th
I'm supposed to be writing an essay instead of my daily story writing sessions, but I quit my stupid philosophical essay. I was sick. I was, and still am, missing my story writing time. Writing fiction is one of the few things I enjoy in life, and I'd rather not get rid of it in any circumstances.
Anyways, I missed last day's entry, because I was binging the HPMOR series on LessWrong, and I was not happy. I realized a very significant thing on the sixteenth of August this year: I have no self-control over binging certain binge-y things. Like I literally cannot control myself. I binge-read HPMOR for like seven damn hours yesterday. You think that's self control!? It's not. The only thing I can do is stay away from anything binge-y. And I mean everything.
That also means I'm not reading stuff during the study breaks, lest a five-minute study break becomes thirty minutes. Currently, the only thing I allow myself to do during study breaks are: ink drawing, bathroom breaks, snack breaks, or work-to-be-done-that-isn't-study-related breaks. Yikes that's a big one. So, all I do during breaks now is draw, eat or go to the bathroom, or get some other crap done (just task, I mean). Reading now is a reward. And I'm not reading anything binge-y. I mean it. Forever.
Well, not forever because ... you know I'm not immortal, so more like the rest of my life. So, to make life manageable I need to make it boring. What a tragedy.
Anyways, I skipped school today because the teachers are crap and everything is inefficient. Besides, I have to retake my AS exams, so honestly I'm not happy. And what I realized was that, for AS, the reason I did so bad at AS was because I relied too much on my shitty school. Now, it's me and the internet where I have online coaching. Seeing it, school is crap. Most schools are crap.