diary notes #16
october 26th
This is more of a form of therapy for me than it is a hobby. I've recently done a few changes round here and have shifted to a weekly schedule. Here's the gist: I write in my diary blog from sunday to thursday, and then I edit on friday and saturday. I live in Asia so my week starts on sunday. Yeah.
That would amount to a weekly post of about I guess one-thousand-and-five-hundred-ish words? Maybe more. I don't really care about the word count.
Anyways, I have something to write here about: I binged-read again. Yes! I told myself to never binge-read, but then I did it again. I read Antimatter Blues by this Edward Ashton; I think I got the name right. Anyways, really boring book. Like a two out of five rating. That bad.
One star is for the fact it's sci-fi; yes, I'm biased. The other is for the creepers who I really hoped were focused on more. Like instead of Mickey being the protagonist, it could be a creeper. Anyways, the world-building was boring. Description writing needed better details. Most characters were flat. The plot was terrible, and the only reason why I read this sequel was cause I heard there was more creeper stuff in this one. There was, but not enough. In the book all the humans are sorta boring really.
Anyways, I don't recommend. I would've rather watched a philosophy lecture or something. Might as well have learnt something. Oh! I could've written something. God, I should've written something, something fiction, than reading someone else's fiction. Like, I physically cannot binge-write. That's not included in my binging temperament, so that's why I still continue to write.
Gotta read more boring stuff from now on. Here I come short story collections. And maybe text-books. And papers?
october 27th
The electricity went out two times today. I also woke up late, just shy of nine in the morning, so I've been feeling groggy and just lethargic. But since I'm literally removing most distractions from my life, I was forced to do some studying because there wasn't really much else to do.
Since there was a power outage in the morning, I had to do my morning routine in the bathroom where there wasn't really any light. Like the bathroom I use for my morning routine has a very small window overhead that's only there for the adjuster fan (the machine that allows circulation in the bathroom; a common sighting in a developing country).
It felt strange to do my morning routine in near-blackness. Putting my cleanser and sunscreen by feel and touch rather than sight. Besides, along with the fact the lights were down, I also have terrible sight so everything looked blurry and dark. It looked as if it was from a dream.
Speaking of dreams, since I woke up late today and therefore had extra hours of sleep, I dreamt a whole lot. Okay, I don't remember my dreams right now, but I know I dreamt a lot. One of the dreams was me crossing the road that separates my school and apartment. Another was about talking to this short dude at school and telling him a secret hideout in school which actually exists. It's the place the students put their bicycles which is right beside the building where junior students go to. It's sorta convenient and I used to go there with my friend group, until all my friends in the group slowly left the school and went somewhere else. Now, I'm the sole member of the group who still attends the same school where we found each other. Sorta feels lonely when I think about it.
Yeah, life is full of occasions of getting new friends and leaving old ones. Some will go and some will stay. Some may be really nice and some are just awful. Sigh. Life is sad. Nothing to do about it. Might as well be patient for death.
october 28th
I'm writing today's diary entry a bit earlier today since I have a big exam to go to after I'm done with my shower. It's in the early afternoon or sometime around that. It's a practical examination and honestly I just have to appreciate how much I've changed. I used to get so much anxiety on just class tests, and they didn't even matter much. These are board-certified exams and I am literally feeling no fear. I just feel indifferent, bored, and a bit sad that it takes so long to do.
I hope there isn't a titration question. I don't like burettes because you need to get up from your chair to use them. I feel like using a thermometer, so I want a thermometric experiment. As long as it's not something to do with a Bunsen burner. God, I hate fire. There's that tough smell of smoke that's always nauseating. As you can see, I'm not a big fan of Bunsen burners. And you have to be very careful around them. Can't be treating them as something trivial.
I'm just bored today. Honestly, just bored but I feel like my boring life is becoming more familiar, like I was always like this. Maybe. Ugh. Still bored though. I also plan to adjust the data to my will in the question paper, because really who cares. I think that's fine. If the question says do five titrations, I'm thinking of doing just two and changing the results a bit. Look, we have very little time to do three experiments. It's only for two hours. I also don't want to use the funnel they provide us, because using a funnel takes too much time. I gotta do everything as quick as possible. That's the only way one can do good on this stupid exam.
What's even the purpose of doing this, really? It's not like I want to be a chemist. School is just so, so boring. And inefficient. I might as well look at a wall for one hour straight. I think I could do that. Would be a good test of patience. Yes, something people don't have much of nowadays. Just tragic.
october 29th
My mind feels numb today. Maybe that's due to the headache from going on that YouTube binge today about China's relationship with Tibet and how China got powerful and stuff. I'd watched two videos by Johnny Harris, this other one by some guy who kept saying he had to change the video so it wouldn't get demonetized or whatever, and a few minutes of this travel vlog vid. I'd thought the last one was going to be some journalist stuff, but it was just another random tourist dude making us go through present-day Tibet.
Anyways, I learnt a few things, but the most important thing I've learnt is that power is almost always misused. Look at China. What it's doing isn't really different from what the European powers were doing during the industrial age. A powerful country will always step on the weaker ones. I remember how the US only gave Canada COVID-19 vaccines after they used it for some time. Jeez. Seems like people are just selfish nowadays.
Why is China getting so much heat on its global carbon emissions when the US (and the rest of the developed countries) gave just as much when they were developing? I think the world is unfair, and this makes me feel sad and twisted inside. Honestly, I just want to live somewhere, in some far-off country, where I don't have to get entangled in global political crap. I want to live in a quiet country. Like New Zealand.
Maybe I'm fine in living with the developing country my birthplace is, but I gotta do some searching then. And there'll have to be sacrifices as the economic blessings capitalism has given have still not been experienced in Bangladesh. We're still poor, guys. And cramped, like in Dhaka.
I must be patient to find my refugee. Patience is the key to the secrets of the universe.
ocotber 30th
I'd bitten my tongue while having cashew nuts and woke up one hour late today. God, my day is just going terrible. Anyways, I just feel exhausted and my mind seems to be playing tricks on me. Devious tricks. I feel tired.
I talked to one of my friends about this writing project. Okay, before I start it'd be wise to tell you that my project is sorta a mashup between the SCP Foundation and the Welcome to Night Vale podcast. I'm not writing fan-fic obviously. Those two are just inspirations. Anyways, let me start:
The Department of Extraordinary Persons and Items, often shortened to the Department cause of the long name, collects weird items. The chapters are very episodic and is narrated like a newspaper, that is via an observer. The observer is the newspaper writer, Maria Heedings, who is kind of the protagonist but the stories don't just focus on her. It's sorta weird sci-fi and nothing is supposed to make sense.
So, that's the gist. I plan to self-publish because well the way the stories unravel ... yeah, it's not a normal novel. It's technically not even a novel. Like a string of very short stories. Short story collection? Maybe. Besides, it's too much work to find a publisher. I'd rather just focus on the writing instead and spend minimal effort in getting it out cause I don't like marketing and hate social media.