diary notes #10
september 23rd
I've been thinking about making my life boring nowadays. Like, I cannot control myself over bingeworthy stuff. I really can't. I've had to quit anime, manga, manhwa, webcomics, TV shows, movies, high-paced fiction, and, most recently, fun YouTube videos. Oh, yeah, there was also a period in my life when I was into audio-dramas, which are basically tv shows but as a podcast. I still listen to podcasts, but slower-paced episodic ones, so I don't binge because you know, I can't control myself.
I also binge books. Yeah, I have a really bad binging temperament. I have promised to never read crime-fiction because mystery is too bingeworthy for me as well as thrillers. I generally just fell out of love with the horror genre, because as I've grown up, I realized to be scared I just need to look at the world; the real stuff instead of the fake stuff. Like why read Stephen King to get a scare when you can just see how much income you lose through taxes or how monotonous day-to-day life is? I don't get horror.
I hope to read more poetry collections, since those are literally non-bingeable. Non-fiction counts but only when it's done right. I can't stop reading sci-fi since that's my reading lifeline so yeah, I'll try to find more slow-burn sci-fi nowadays. Something more like A Psalm for the Wild-Built than Fall of Hyperion, although it was the latter series that really got me into sci-fi and reading as a whole.
september 24th
I've been thinking of myself lately, about my antisociality in specific. Just an hour or two ago, I was the witness to a social circle in the classroom and they seemed to be having so much fun! Sure, the classmates in that social circle weren't very good people (or so I think), and they were being very loud. Besides, they were laughing at things I literally could not find funny. Like how is the teacher asking you a question funny? And my God, one of those idiots had a laugh like a dying donkey drowning in water. I'll hear his laughter in one of my nightmares one day. I'm sure of it.
I've been trying to be more social, but looking at those baboons laugh like little children made me realize I shouldn't be social to everyone. Just my friends. Also family. I'm an introvert dialed ten; even my father, who is himself an introvert, worries about me. I'm changing it, of course, but I've been this way for like ... six years I guess. It's going to take a while.
Honestly, I'm very grateful for my three friends that I can trust on pretty much anything. I'm not interested in having more, but I know being successful in life means having to possess many acquaintances (i.e., lesser friends), so I'll have to work on that. Essentially, what I'm saying is that I should be more social than I am now but not too social so I don't end up like those in that stupid howling group of friends.
I'd talked to one of my friends about what intelligence is and we ended up agreeing on how unfair and messed up the world is. The world is a terrible place, if you realize it. It really is.
september 25th
In one of my classes, I'd told my teacher the date was the twenty-fourth. The funny thing is that he really believed me as I did myself! Well, thanks to his advanced mathematical computing skills, he deduced the date was really the twenty-fifth and he told me so. Although I trusted him, I wanted to check and now as I am writing today's entry, I see he was right! Oh, what a fool I had been.
Anyways, remember when I'd written about trying to make my life boring? Well, I think I may have reached the peak limit, because my God life is boring as hell. I realized how boring my life is compared to others when I overheard a group of fellow students conversing about the stupid mechanisms for a dragon game, and I was like 'oh, that sounds interesting, but it won't remove the emptiness of my life,', and then I was like 'oh, freak, is my life boring?'.
So, yeah it's boring. Well, I'm intentionally making it boring, so I cannot put the blame on anyone or anything for whose fault it was. It's mine. There's a reason, actually. Boredom, as you see, dear reader, is the default state of life. Whatever one does, there will always be moments when they'll be bored, so why run away from this? Instead, I decided I must embrace this emptiness as I am currently doing now. But it's difficult and ... I don't know ... boredom has this quality I just can't explain. Boredom is just ... boring? It just feels empty, but I'm so sick of chasing after every novel thing, or drowning myself in stimulation. So, I decided it was time for a change and now I am facing the consequences of my choices.